Wednesday, October 12, 2011

ALL I EVER LEARNED, I LEARNED FROM ANIME

All I Ever Learned, I Learned from Anime
Original entries (#1-50) created by:
Laura Luchau (laura@luchau.org)
(Laura's homepage at http://www.luchau.org/ )




  1. War sucks.
  2. You CAN have too many women.
  3. Smart people wear glasses.
  4. Music foreshadows plot.
  5. The less you care about sex, the more opportunities you'll get.
  6. (Inversely, the harder you try, the less you'll get.)
  7. When you die, make a long speech, and don't finish the last sentence.
  8. Snow means love.
  9. The best teams come in fives.
  10. In space, you can hear everything.
  11. There's always room for flashbacks!
  12. When in China, listen to your tour guide.
  13. The good guy always has the BLUE glow.
  14. Speak quietly, pilot a big mech.
  15. Believe in goddesses.
  16. Teachers have excellent aim with small objects.
  17. Vengeance with a mallet is the sweetest revenge of all.
  18. Honor is sexy; villainy is irresistible.
  19. Women are attracted to losers; men are attracted to ANYTHING.
  20. The coolest weapon is still the sword.
  21. The hero is never really mad until they hurt his girlfriend.
  22. Female androids are sexy; male androids are....male androids.
  23. The green-haired alien girl will always betray her people for the man she loves.
  24. School uniforms are cool only when the collar is open.
  25. A show without sexual tension isn't worth watching.
  26. Love knows no race, species, or logic.
  27. If it's homemade but tastes bad, grin and bury it (discreetly).
  28. Never trust a huge corporation.
  29. Romance never comes simpler than in a triangle.
  30. Never fall for the girl who names her mech with a French name.
  31. Never fall in love with a psychic.
  32. You can never have too much hair.
  33. Sweating is a sure sign of stress.
  34. Daydreaming leads to accidents.
  35. Everyone wants to conquer Japan.
  36. The cute, fuzzy creature isn't what it seems.
  37. Cherry blossoms mean nostalgia.
  38. Always take gravity into account.
  39. Settings and faces are self-generating.
  40. Losing your temper can be therapeutic.
  41. There's nothing sexier than high heels on a mech.
  42. You can never have too many subplots.
  43. If she sings, she's doomed.
  44. You always remember the sad endings.
  45. Double suicide is romantic.
  46. Outrageous vehicles only make the hero cooler.
  47. Nothing delays romance like unruly neighbors.
  48. Fancy ice cream is for girls only.
  49. The most virtuous character will die.
  50. Hot water has innumerable benefits.

  51. No matter how much blood is lost, no one can die by a nosebleed.
  52. (The same theory above applies to vomiting.)
  53. The girl with the curly hair is always the seductress.
  54. If a sister falls in love with her brother, somewhere down the line you will discover that they're not blood related.
  55. The guy in the baseball cap is always more powerful than he seems.
  56. All demons/monsters have enormous genitalia.
  57. All young children can pilot mecha, you just need to give them a few days.
  58. It is possible to incorporate martial arts into any aspect of life.
  59. All high school kids in Japan have parents that are away on extended business trips.
  60. The oldest sister is the nice one, the youngest sister is the brash one.
  61. You can do anything to the human body as long as you hit the right pressure point.
  62. Consuming enormous amounts of alcohol daily will never have ill effects.
  63. All major villains either want to take over the world or blow it up.
  64. When someone paints up their face, they mean business.
  65. Everyone in Japan has excellent singing voices.
  66. No matter how many times you rebuild, Tokyo keeps getting destroyed in a massive fireball.
  67. The martial arts expert is always defenseless against a slap from the girl who loves him.
  68. TAKAHASHI'S LAW 1: Food is a powerful motivator.
  69. When women are sent out to fight the bad guys, there's always a hunk busily watching over them, often in secret.
  70. The longer it takes to say what your punch is called, the less effective it is.
  71. "Baka" does not mean a student going for his baccalaureate degree.
  72. The more possessive a woman gets, the less likely she will end up with the man of her dreams.
  73. TAKAHASHI'S LAW 2: The two-foot-tall old geezer is someone to be feared.
  74. No matter how big the mech/labor/mobile suit is, if it runs around the corner, the guy chasing it loses the trail.
  75. Extraterrestrial, demons, time travelers, etc. all want to alter the course of history by letting Oda Nobunaga win.
  76. The fate of the planet rests in the hands of the seemingly normal high school student.
  77. The heroine must shred her clothes while transforming into something to fight the bad guys.
  78. True evil can never be destroyed, only banished to some nether realm where it awakes after a few hundred years.
  79. TAKAHASHI'S LAW 3: When being hit on the head, it's the most natural thing in the world to tuck your third and fourth fingers in while keeping the others extended.
  80. Even the bravest souls can be made weak and helpless by the sight of a cute little puppy or kitten.
  81. Never love a Gundam pilot : you're just destined for disappointment (or a funeral).
  82. All persons under the age of 50 can do a ten foot vertical jump from a standing position.
  83. Never trust a guy with shiny teeth
  84. ESP causes more trouble than it solves
  85. The vampire isn't _always_ the bad guy
  86. Nice things can come out of video stores that appear from nowhere
  87. Idiot captains win battles against impossible odds
  88. Order takeout at every opportunity--you might get lucky with a wrong number.
  89. The police are never anywhere there is a large amount of property damage.
  90. All high school principals in Japan are clinically insane.
  91. All people with esper powers give off multicolored auras.
  92. Just about any outer space villain has his sights set on destroying the Earth.
  93. (in conjunction with #92) No other planet in the universe will be able to stop said villain except the Earth.
  94. Any character can make a leap of 300 ft or more if given a good running start.
  95. A samurai sword can cut through anything.
  96. All characters over the age of 60 shrink in height in direct proportion to their age.
  97. When uncovering a fabulous treasure, the thing will be large enough to completely destroy any surrounding structures.
  98. TAKAHASHI'S LAW #4: An anti-climax is a good climax.
  99. Anime villians have the best deaths.
  100. Any love interest will always be possesed by a demon.
  101. Mallets can be stored anywhere on anybody.
  102. If the anime has the word "idol" in the title, then you know that it has to be good.
  103. Takada Yumi really does sing that bad, and people still buy her CDs.
  104. If you make enough porno movies, eventually you can get famous enough to star in commercials. "Iijima Ai desu! 'Manga manga no mori mori!!'"
  105. There is no such thing as a public anime showing without heckling.
  106. You can spot how popular a show is by looking at the number of H doujinshi it has.
  107. The smartest people on r.a.a. never post, which is why the conference's overall IQ is so low.
  108. If the lyrics to the OP song are printed on the screen, then you're watching a show that's not for your age group.
  109. The sexiest girls are drawn by artists whose last names start with "U".
  110. The English words in Jpop songs are put there only because they sound good, since they don't make any sense with the rest of the lyrics.
  111. If you post on the MLs more than Hitoshi does, then you probably post too much.
  112. The hero always loses the first fight with a new enemy.
  113. The guys with two earrings are from the Negaverse.
  114. Don't trust the guys with two earrings.
  115. Any truly evil person who changes sides for the woman he loves will die in that episode.
  116. You CAN do it, but only when it's funny or REALLY important.
  117. You can never have too many carrots.
  118. Hair comes in every shade of the rainbow - and we do mean pink, purple, blue, green....
  119. The song "Cry Me a River" takes on a whole new meaning.
NOTE: NONE OF THIS WAS WRITTEN BY ME, I JUST WANTED TO PASS ON THE LOVE. THE ORIGINAL PAGE CAN BE FOUND AT http://www.abcb.com/misc/latt_03.htm. I SUGGEST TAKING A LOOK!

LAWS OF ANIME

The Laws of Anime

Version 6.0

Originally compiled and edited by Darrin Bright and Ryan Shellito
Read about the history of the Laws of Anime.




  • Law of Metaphysical Irregularity
    The normal laws of physics do not apply.

  • Law of Differentiated Gravitation
    Whenever someone or something jumps, is thrown, or otherwise is rendered airborn, gravity is reduced by a factor of 4.

  • Law of Sonic Amplification, First Law of Anime Acoustics
    In space, loud sounds, like explosions, are even louder because there is no air to get in the way.

  • Law of Constant Thrust, First Law of Anime Motion
    In space, constant thrust equals constant velocity.

  • Law of Mechanical Mobility, Second Law of Anime Motion
    The larger a mechanical device is, the faster it moves. Armored Mecha are the fastest objects known to human science.

  • Law of Temporal Variability
    Time is not a constant. Time stops for the hero whenever he does something 'cool' or 'impressive'. Time slows down when friends and lovers are being killed and speeds up whenever there is a fight.

  • First Law of Temporal Mortality
    'Good Guys' and 'Bad Guys' both die in one of two ways. Either so quick they don't even see it coming, OR it's a long drawn out affair where the character gains much insight to the workings of society, human existence or why the toast always lands butter side down.

  • Second Law of Temporal Mortality
    It takes some time for bad guys to die... regardless of physical damage. Even when the 'Bad Guys' are killed so quickly they didn't even see it coming, it takes them a while to realize they are dead. This is attributed to the belief that being evil damages the Reality Lobe of the brain.

  • Law of Dramatic Emphasis
    Scenes involving extreme amounts of action are depicted with either still-frames or black screens with a slash of bright color (usually red or white).

  • Law of Dramatic Multiplicity
    Scenes that only happen once, for instance, a 'Good Guy' kicks the 'Bad Guy' in the face, are seen at least 3 times from 3 different angles.

  • Law of Inherent Combustability
    Everything explodes. Everything.
    • First Corollary - Anything that explodes bulges first.
    • Second Corollary - Large cities are the most explosive substances known to human science. Tokyo in particular seems to be the most unstable of these cities, sometimes referred to as "The Matchstick City".

  • Law of Phlogistatic Emission
    Nearly all things emit light from fatal wounds.

  • Law of Energetic Emission
    There is alway an energy build up (commonly referred to as an energy 'bulge') before Mecha or space craft weapons fire. Because of the explosive qualities of weapons, it is believed that this is related to the Law of Inherent Combustability.

  • Law of Inverse Lethal Magnitude
    The destructive potential of a weapon is inversly proportional to its size.
    • First Corollary - Small and cute will always overcome big and ugly. Also know as the A-Ko phenomenon.

  • Law of Inexhaustability
    No one *EVER* runs out of ammunition. That is of course unless they are cornered, out-numbered, out-classed, and unconscious.

  • Law of Inverse Accuracy
    The accuracy of a 'Good Guy' when operating any form of fire-arm increases as the difficulty of the shot increases. The accuracy of the 'Bad Guys' when operating fire-arms decreases when the difficulty of the shot decreases. (Also known as the Stormtrooper Effect)
    Example: A 'Good Guy' in a drunken stupor being held upside down from a moving vehicle will always hit, and several battalions of 'Bad Guys' firing on a 'Good Guy' standing alone in the middle of an open field will always miss.
    • First Corollary - The more 'Bad Guys' there are, the less likely they will hit anyone or do any real damage.
    • Second Corollary - Whenever a 'Good Guy' is faced with insurmountable odds, the 'Bad Guys' line up in neat rows, allowing the hero to take them all out with a single burst of automatic fire and then escape.
    • Third Corollary - Whenever a 'Good Guy' is actually hit by enemy fire, it is in a designated 'Good Guy Area', usually a flesh wound in the shoulder or arm, which restricts the 'Good Guy' from doing anything more strenuous than driving, firing weaponry, using melee weapons, operating heavy machinery, or doing complex martial arts maneuvres.

  • Law of Transient Romantic Unreliability
    Minmei is a bimbo.

  • Law of Hemoglobin Capacity
    The human body contains over 12 gallons of blood, sometimes more, under high pressure.

  • Law of Demonic Consistency
    Demons and other supernatural creatures have at least three eyes, loads of fangs, tend to be yellow-green or brown (but black is not unknown), and can only be hurt by bladed weapons.

  • Law of Militaristic Unreliability
    Huge galaxy-wide armadas, entire armies, and large war-machines full of cruel, heartless, bloodthirsty warriors can be stopped and defeated with a single insignificant example of a caring/loving emotion or a song.

  • Law of Tactical Unreliability
    Tactical geniuses aren't....

  • Law of Inconsequential Undetectability
    People never notice the little things... Like missing body parts, or wounds the size of Seattle.

  • Law of Juvenile Intellectuality
    Children are smarter than adults. And almost always twice as annoying.

  • Law of Americanthropomorphism
    Americans in Anime appear in one of two roles, either as a really nasty skinny 'Bad Guy' or a big stupid 'Good Guy'.
    • First Corollary - The only people who are more stupid than the big dumb Americans are the American translators. (Sometimes referred to as the Green Line Effect.)
    • Second Corollary - The only people who are more stupid than the American translators are the American editors and censors.

  • Law of Mandibular Proportionality
    (from A. Hicks)
    The size of a person's mouth is directly proportional to the volume at which they are speaking or eating.

  • Law of Feline Mutation
    (from A. Hicks)
    Any half-cat/half-human mutation will invariably:
    1. be female,
    2. will possess ears and sometimes a tail as a genetic mutation,
    3. and wear as little clothing as possible, if any.

  • Law of Conservation of Firepower
    (from Tom Williams)
    Any powerful weapon capable of destroying/defeating an opponent in a single shot will invariably be reserved and used only as a last resort.

  • Law of Technological User-Benevolence
    (from Tom Williams)
    The formal training required to operate a spaceship or mecha is inversely proportional to its complexity.

  • Law of Melee Luminescence
    (from Tom Williams)
    Any being displaying extremely high levels of martial arts prowess and/or violent emotions emits light in the form of a glowing aura. This aura is usually blue for 'good guys' and red for 'bad guys'. This is attributed to Good being higher in the electromagnetic spectrum than Evil.

  • Law of Non-anthropomorphic Antagonism
    (from Tom Williams)
    All ugly, non-humanoid alien races are hostile, and usually hell-bent on destroying humanity for some obscure reason.

  • Law of Follicular Chroma Variability
    (from Spellweaver)
    Any color in the visible spectrum is considered a natural hair color. This color can change without warning or explanation.

  • Law of Follicular Permanence
    Hair in anime is pretty much indestructable, and can resist any amount of meteorological conditions, energy emissions, physical abuse, or explosive effects and still look perfect. The only way to hurt someone's hair is the same way you deal with demons... with bladed weapons!

  • Law of Topological Aerodynamics, First Law of Anime Aero-Dynamics
    *ANY* shape, no matter how convoluted or odd-looking, is automatically aerodynamic.

  • Law of Probable Attire
    Clothing in anime follows certain predictable guidelines.
    Female characters wear as little clothing as possible, regardless of whether it is socially or meteorologically appropriate. Any female with an excessive amount of clothing will invariably have her clothes ripped to shreds or torn off somehow. If there is no opportunity to tear off the afore-mentioned female's clothes, then she will inexplicably take a shower for no apparent reason (also known as the Gratuitous Shower Scene).
    Whenever there is a headwind, a Male characters will invariably wear a long cloak which doesn't hamper movement and billows out dramatically behind him.
    • First Corollary (Cryo-Adaptability) - All anime characters are resistant to extremely cold temperatures, and do not need to wear heavy or warm clothing in snow.
    • Second Corollary (Indecent Invulnerability) - Bikinis render the wearer invulnerable to any form of damage.

  • Law of Musical Omnipotence
    Any character capable of musical talent (singing, playing an instrument, etc.) is automatically capable of doing much more "simple" things like piloting mecha, fighting crime, stopping an intergalactic war, and so on... especially if they have never attempted these things before.

  • Law of Quitupular Aggultination
    (from Daniel Mikula)
    Also called "The Five-man Rule," when "Good Guys" group together, it tends to be in groups of five. There are five basic positions, which are:

    1. The Hero/Leader
    2. His girlfriend
    3. His Best Friend/Rival
    4. A Hulking Brute
    5. A Dwarf/Kid
    Between these basic positions are distributed several attributes, which include:

    1. Extreme Coolness
    2. Amazing intelligence
    3. Incredible Irritation

  • Law of Extradimensional Capacitance
    (from Jason Bustard)
    All anime females have an extradimensional storage space of variable volume somewhere on their person from which they can instantly retrieve any object at a moment's notice.
    • First Corollary (The Hammer Rule) - The most common item stored is a heavy mallet, which can be used with unerring accuracy on any male who deserves it. Other common items include costumes/uniforms, power suits/armor, and large bazookas.

  • Law of Hydrostatic Emission
    Eyes tend to be rather large in Anime. This is because they contain several gallons of water, which may be instantaneously released at high pressure through large tear ducts. The actual volume of water contained in the eyes is unknown, as there is no evidence to suggest that these reservoirs are actually capable of running out. The reason water tends to collect in the eyes is because Anime characters only have one large sweat gland, which is located at the back of the head. When extremely stressed, embarrassed, or worried, this sweat gland exudes a single but very large drop of sebaceous fluid.

  • Law of Inverse Attraction
    Success at finding suitable mates is inversely proportionate to how desperately you want to be successful. The more you want, the less you get.
    • First Corollary Unfortunately, this law seems to apply to Otaku in the real world...

  • Law of Nasal Sanguination
    (from Ryan Pritchard and Jason Aylen)
    When sexually aroused, males in Anime don't get erections, they get nosebleeds. No one's sure why this is, though... the current theory suggests that larger eyes means smaller sinuses and thinner sinus tissue (see Law #38 above). Females don't get nosebleeds, but invariably get one heck of a blush along the cheeks and across the nose, suggesting a lot of bloodflow to that region.

  • Law of Xylolaceration
    (from Lyndon Harris)
    Wooden or bamboo swords are just as sharp as metal swords, if not sharper.

  • Law of Juvenile Omnipotence
    (from Erin Alia)
    Always send a boy to do a man's job. He'll get it done in half the time and twice the angst.

  • Law of Quadrotriscadecophobia
    There is no Law #43.

  • Law of Nominative Clamovocation
    (from Luiko-Ysabeth and Adrian Hsiah)
    The likelihood of success and damage done by a martial arts attack is directly proportional to the volume at which the full name of the attack is announced.

  • Law of Uninteruptable Metamorphosis
    (from R. A. Hubby)
    Regardless of how long or involved the transformation sequence or how many times they've seen it before, any 'Bad Guys' witnessing a mecha/hero/heroine transforming are too stunned to do anything to interrupt it.

  • Law of Flimsy Incognition
    (from Conrad Knauer)
    Simply changing into a costume or wearing a teensy mask can make you utterly unrecognizable to even your closest friends and relatives.

    NOTE: NONE OF THIS WAS WRITTEN BY ME, I JUST WANTED TO PASS ON THE LOVE. THE ORIGINAL PAGE CAN BE FOUND AT http://www.abcb.com/laws/index.htm. I SUGGEST TAKING A LOOK!
  • Sunday, October 9, 2011

    Seme or Uke Quiz! [[[Yaoi Disclaimer]]]

    Bad Ass UkeYou are a Badass Uke!
    Other uke admire you, some seme fear you. Despite your sometimes flaming appearance, you can even fool other people into thinking you are seme with your mischievous, manipulative attitude, but when push comes to shove, your true submissive nature emerges. It takes a seme with enough intensity to challenge you and keep you satisfied, and your perfect match, the Don't Fuck With Me Seme, knows that all that naughty teasing just means you want the punishment.
    Most compatible with: Don't Fuck With Me Seme, Chibi Seme
    Least compatible with: Sadistic Seme, Romantic Seme

    Don't Fuck With Me SemeDon't Fuck With Me Seme!
    Serious and to the point, and sometimes bordering on the sadistic, it takes a special breed of uke to satisfy your needs. You tend to be anti-social with little patience for most people. You need someone to challenge you and push you to your limits, and then be able to take your intense reactions, which possibly involves rope and sensual torture. This is what makes the Badass Uke the yin for your yang, as you're the only one able to put them in line and satisfy each other.

    What seme or uke are you? Take the quiz @ SemeUke.com, or get seme/uke merch..